Because some Mondays are harder than others

I really didn’t wanna go to work today.

Fun Fact: Leaving for work this morning was the first time I’d left the house since I’d gotten home Friday afternoon.

Wait, what?


Two of the reasons I really didn’t want to leave this morning.

I didn’t want to leave my cozy home. My new kitties. My gingerbread man. I wanted to stay, to do something productive, appreciate the sunshine in my living room, and just enjoy the home I’m having so much fun putting together.

But alas, I have a 9-5. I have obligations. Responsibilities.

The sadness in my throat and bubble in my chest didn’t go away for the first couple of hours of my day. A time where I thought of how I could manage not working for even just a couple of months.

If I save X amount of dollars, I could coast for Y amount of months.

It’s something I’d have easily talked myself into a couple of years ago – Because when I’m sinking, self sabotage is my natural reflex.

It’s easy to let mornings like this get to me. ‘Cause fuck having to work 5 out of 7 days a week for months, YEARS at a time. But this is the world we’ve created –  And until I’ve found some kind of life hack – I’ve gotta deal or I’m going to be starting over every year until I’m 60 years old.

Shit man, I’m nearly 30 and I’m on my 278972562 new beginning. If I leave this job to take a month or two hiatus – I’ve got to start yet again from the bottom, because the world keeps movin’ even when you don’t.

So while I may or may not have perused job sites and the like this morning when I felt like my world was closing in – I also reminded myself that aside from the daily obligation of having to spend 8-9 hours away from home – Life is good. Life is really good –  I can’t flake out because I let anxiety trick me into feeling unhappy.

Life is weird. Life is balls. Life is good.

There are so many FEELS. So many days.

Some mornings are just better than others, amirite?



Jealousy totally ruins my days.

Not every day, and sometimes (usually) not even the whole day! Just the moments where I’m hulkin’ hard over whatever it is I feel I’m missing out on.

Like today? Today is July 4th. It’s my first day back at work after our Canada Day long weekend, and a day where the Americans are gallivanting around celebrating their country.

It’s also the first week of summer vacation for the little kidlets, as well as a week of vacay for a ton of other people – Including my boss and a few co-workers.

And my freaking handsome AF ginger.

OH! And because my car is in the shop, my man had to drive me into work today. Meaning I got to watch as he drove away, back to our home. Back to our bed. Back to our everything to do nothing.


Oh right. Lol. $urvival.

I have this pit in my stomach as if I want to cry – Cry for all of the FREE TIME I’m missing out on. The SUNSHINE that isn’t being absorbed into my skin! The laughs! The drinks! THE FUN!! My green-eyed monster is feelin’ the feels today, and I so badly wish I had unlimited vacations to take throughout the summer.

And in the winter.

Basically, I’ll work most of the fall and spring, but summer and winter are meant for… Things. Activities. HOLIDAYS.

UGH. Yet another day goes by where I question if I was born into the right family. I love you ma and pa, but I’m preeeeetty sure I was meant to be a socialite or some shizz.

Well. You must excuse me while I go sit all alone in my cubicle, reminiscing and rehashing the good, care free time that was my weekend.

Short week.

It’s a short week.



Feasting Whale Sharks

The more I watch it, the most OMG I am about their mouths.

Horrifyingly beautiful.

And this is where life starts moving at warp speed.

If I’m saying that now, I can’t imagine what it’ll feel like when/if the kidlets start poppin’.

I can’t say I’m living for the weekends, but having ENDLESS HOURS to hang out in our new home is just the bees freakin’ knees. Today was the first day since we moved in where there was SUNSHINE (lollipops), and it was so nice.  So many windows. So much light.

I’m gonna be plant queen.

As for the “living with a boy” situation – It’s different. I can’t say it’s wicked different ’cause we’d already spent so many days/nights together, but I had a moment when brushing my teeth one night last week were OMG. I’ll never be rid of him…

Then he goes to a bachelor party out in them Southern Ontario mountains (lol) for a weekend, and yay! Bed to myself! NEW HOME to myself.

K – I still missed him.

I did get a lot of homeski planning done though. I played with current items, envisioned new ones – Suddenly I’m able to find money to buy all of these fun homey things when I’d been putting off buying something like freakin’ PANTS that I’ve needed for months!

Priorities. I’m torn by my feelings over this sudden change in priorities, since like… clothes. Accessories! But OMG. LOOK AT ALL OF THESE BEAUTIFUL FUCKING DISHES! Bowls! Vases. Dishes.

I’ve not bought any of these beautiful dishes though, only planters and plants – and a couple of home essentials like a bath mat and a toothbrush holder. Oh and it’s matching tumbler and garbage can…

Our first “argument” was when I told the ginger I wanted a coffee table before anything else. He got all freaked out and told me that we needed to be saving for retirement.

Retirement? Woah. What about my couch? What about a freaking ring for my finger, bitch!

One of the benefits of moving out later in life is the amount of years you’ve had to accumulate things for your future move. It’s SO FUN having all of these new things, things I’ve had sitting in boxes for years – Boxes that are spread out across the three houses I’ve been living in over the last 5 years… Boxes I still need to acquire in order to truly unpack.

Playing house is the most fun I’ve had since, like. Ever. The boy thing isn’t so bad itself, ’cause really? Every day feels like a Friday!

Roomies. Besties. Lovers. It’s all good up in this neighborhood!



Keys to a new beginning.

SHIZZA MINELI! RumpelShitskins! As Monica semi-jokingly whined to Rachel, “I’m gonna live with a boooyyyy!”

Look how personalized and childish my house keys are. I’m an adult!

In similar Monica fashion, I want to go in and friggin’ CLEAN that house top to bottom. How do some people live?! I don’t understand how people can not only 1- live in an actual filthy environment and 2- not clean up to hide said nasty environment even a little! Like, your landlady knew you and now knows you’re a fucking pig.

Whatevs though ‘cause be gone with ya, lil’ piggy! I’ll excitedly scrub everything down fresh for MY STUFF over the next couple of days, and by Friday? We’ll be moving in actual things.

MY THINGS WILL ALL BE IN ONE PLACE! After living across 3 houses for the last 5 years (and I mean all three at one time, I float around from home to home for extended periods of time), I’m going to have a bedroom that’s actually mine again. A space for all of my things. Things I’ve packed away in boxes and never unpacked, things I’ll probably shit my pants over – An OMG YES! Or OMG WHY? kind of poop.

I don’t even have to put it all in my (our) room! There’s an ENTIRE HOUSE. Multiple rooms for my things.

The omg’s are out of control, man.

It doesn’t even feel real!! Shit happened fast. We just saw the ad for the house 4 days ago and already we’ve got the keys! But hey – It seems everything always happens fast when I go ahead and jump. An intensity that ferrr suuuree adds to the OMG factor.

I can’t wait to start building a home, regardless of the semantics. I’ve been collecting “for when I move out” for the last 3+ years. I say 3+ because it was about 3 years ago when Christmas and Birthday gifts started becoming blatant move out gifts. WHICH was/IS AWESOME! Because the next coupl’a weeks are going to feel like fucking Christmas going through and PUTTING AWAY everything that we have.

My bedding! My bathmat! Omg. You should see my cutlery and knives. MY KNIVES. I have never loved an outfit or accessory as much as I do these knives. Maaaaaan they slice good. CHOP CHOP.

I’ma slice and dice so many meals, holy SHIT I can’t even wait.

My own kitchen to make meals, my own living room to live, my own bathroom with an actual bathtub! Even my own little computer room for added chill pleasure. I’ll have space to entertain, to cozy up, and to fucking ENJOY.

I even get to play outside. I have a backyard! Veggie garden WHAT UP.

I’m ready play house so hard.

29 things about the 29 year old behind the keyboard (ME!!!)

1- I’m nearly in the middle of my 29th year of life which feels like a joke because LOL. I’m almost 30? That’s like, official adult age. HOW DID THIS HAPPEN? Why is this happening? Where’re my kids, house and big bucks?

2- Big bucks, lol. I spent the first half of my 20s diving cannonballing into debt, only to have spent the last half trying to climb out. While it’s a lesson I could have done without, I can honestly say that I’ve learned to appreciate a dollar. I’ve overcome a shopping addiction by learning the difference between a want and a need – Lines that were mega blurred back when I didn’t know the difference between a want and a need.

3- I believe all High Schoolers should at MINIMUM be forced to take a finance course during their final year. Before the banks and government loan them monies for school, before kids get excited about credit limits. A class that teaches about interest rates, savings and all that jazz – Because when I was handed over 20 thou at 18; My first thought was literally “SHOPPING”. I went crazy. “ I’ll pay it back with my next pay..” Yah. My friggin’ bi-weekly cheque of like, 3 hunnid dolla.  I feel like our education system /SLASH THE GOVERNMENT is setting kids up for financial disaster. CONSPIRACY TO LOCK US ALL INTO DEBTS?! Unless you were a lucky kidlet with rich informative parents, you end up like me. Or worse off! I do not want to know how much that 20 thou loan actually cost a non-College graduate like me in the long run….

4- I never graduated College! I was set to be a teacher – Though I fell into a big time depression after my first semester, and hearing everyone and their mother tell me that finding a job as a teacher would be “impossible” after I graduated, I soon dropped out. I tried Public Relations and a Business course shortly after, but nah. School just wasn’t my jam…

5- Because it’s not about what you know, but who you know! Something that’s proven to be true as every “real” job I’ve had was with the help of a friend and/or family member. Hey – When there are a thousand applicants, it’s nice to have someone help you stand out…

6- I’m going on nearly a year back into the workforce after having taken a year off to camp out and get back to nature. Long story short: My corporate job had turned into a sinking ship and my lifeboat was taking in a lot of water. My mental health was suffering as I was working for a company that was laying people off by the hundreds – Which lead to an unnecessary amount of workplace drama and animosities as middle-aged women took their stresses out on each other. I was given a window of opportunity (meaning a big chunk of land to explore), so I fucking jumped.

7- I picked up woodworking skills living up North, skills that provided me with a little extra cash monies during my unemployment! 

8- My camp out was my second time running away – The only difference is that I didn’t run away from people the second time around, I ran away from the workforce. And the concrete jungle, ’cause fuck dat noise.

9- My first runaway was to England – I was 24, I’d been living in the same small town SINCE FOREVER, had been dating the same boy since I was 17, and felt as though I didn’t have any friends. Again, I was given a window of opportunity SO I JUMPED.

10 – I’ve  struggled making/keeping friends since then. I feel as though I haven’t come across anyone that I’ve really connected with, no one with whom I really trust. But hey – I also haven’t exactly been looking/trying all that hard… People, man.

11- While it appears as though I’m one to jump at an opportunity; I’ve walked away, avoided, and turned down a coupl’a opportunities that I may not regret… But will beat myself up for when I’m having a “WTF LIFE” moment.

12- WTF LIFE moments are when I temporarily hate where I’m at, usually triggered by COMPARING MY LIFE TO OTHERS. I’ve even caught myself comparing my life to lives I wouldn’t necessarily want. The fuck, brain?

13- Like more than half the planet, I get bouts of anxiety. It’s crazy. I’m crazy. I get scared of… Everything. Everyone. Something happens where I’m able to convince myself to make poor decisions – Ones I’d never even consider making in my “normal” state. I think the worst bit is knowing I’m being ridiculous, knowing I’m doing something irresponsible, but not feeling as though I can stop myself.

14- MY GINGER is one of the few things (other than chocolate) that makes me feel better when I get into my funks. I’ve literally said the words “Shut up and hug me” – As sometimes all I need is a freaking hug. I suppose being as high energy as I am, it’s only natural to have my off days…

15- I’M HIGH ENERGY! I’m bubbly! I love being HAPPY! You’d never guess I was an anxious person, which totally plays into people thinking I’m flaky. I used to be afraid of annoying people, I used to shy away from coming across too intense – ‘Cause ew. I don’t wanna be that annoyingly happy girl! But I’ve realized that changing who I am to please others throws me into one of my funks faster than any kind of real world scary. For the most part, I like myself… I’m just easily swayed when I find out you don’t.

16- If you haven’t already guessed, I’m a people pleaser! I WILL MAKE YOU SMILE. Bonus if I can make you laugh. I don’t take life all that seriously, I see the humour in just about everything, and if I see that you’re hurting? You take centre stage. I’ve seen my fair share of dark days, Ima try to light up as many as I can.

17- I’m too nice for my own good. I’ve been used an abused by some folks that don’t know how to keep themselves happy. I can’t stay mad, I don’t hold grudges – But I will flake outta that relationship no problem.

18- I live my life in a way where everything is temporary. No job, no home, and no human is forever. Your moods will pass, the rain will go away, and the weekend WILL make its way back around. 

19- I’M WORKING TO LIVE. Not the other way aroundIt’s been a long time coming and it’s taken a meltdown or two – But I’ve FINALLY found a balance between my work and home life.

20- Oh. To find balance? I took a pay decrease to turn my 3+hr a day commute into a 5-7 minute commute. My mental health has improved significantly since having ditched that daily drive. I HAVE SO MUCH TIME FOR ACTIVITIES.

21- Like actually moving my body! I’m getting to be halfway through my 29th year and I’m only just starting my “abs before 30!” resolution. LOL. As a girl who’s been soft her entire life, mayyybe it’s a stretch; But I’m not gettin’ any younger! And getting home from work hardly 5 minutes after it’s over and not feel deathly tired from waking up at 5:30 in the morning? Going for a jog or hitting up a Pilates class isn’t as torturous as it once felt. I mean, I’d rather not have to move… But that’s my lazy shit-pig self craving more time in bed.

22- BECAUSE BED IS MY FAVOURITE. Sickness, sadness, scaries, exhaustion – BED CURES ALL.  I’ve just bought ALL new bedding for when my ginger and I move out and I CAN’T WAIT until we have a home.

23- Omg. I’M GONNA LIVE WITH A BOY. IN LESS THAN A WEEK! Ok. Maybe more like one week today I’ll be all “TOMORROW!!” I’M ADULTING SO HARD RN.

24- My man is my bestie. His love was totally unexpected. This December will mark 5 years – And I honestly can’t believe it’s been so long. He definitely challenged my “everything is temporary” feels.

25- Next comes marriage? Meh. Marriage isn’t nearly as important to me as it is to most. I love rings, so I want a pretty ring! I’m CLAIMED, boys! But the paper? The license? The witnesses? All I see are dollar signs. Dollar signs that I’d prefer were spent on me (and my ginj).

26- Kids? Not against ‘em, but I’ll have ‘em when I have ‘em. Not when I’m told I should be having them. I can’t think I’ll ever be ready, so I’m holding strong to the fact that my first will be an oops. That oops will then set the bar for me (us) wanting (or not wanting) any more.

27-  I’ve had many blogs before; One having gained a decent 3 digit following. But alas, I flaked out on ’em all because OMG! THEY KNOW TOO MUCH! I want to both put myself out there and hide from everyone all at the same time. WHY AM I LIKE THIS?

28- Um, mostly because I’m scared of how mean the world can be. I’ve also had some peeps (including my momma) treat me like poopie which totally (momentarily) tricks me into feeling as though I am poopie.

29- BUT I’M READY FOR CHANGE. And like, the big kind. Not just the change of locations, jobs, friends, etc.. I’m talking about a personal change where I totally exit my comfort zone and try doing some of the things I’m afraid of. Such as blogging. And blogging about the fact that I’m about to transition into ACTUAL ADULTHOOD. ‘Cause like. I’m nearly 30 AND going to be living with a boy. A MAN! HOLY SMOKES.

THERE IS SO MUCH TO BE EXCITED FOR! Life is just freakin’ beginning!