Ok – Straight up, I’ve had a really hard time diving into this blog.
Mostly because as my first post states: I feel as though I’ve already said it before.
And then again and again after that.
But alas, for a flake like myself – Starting over seems to be the name of the game.
I almost told you that I can’t count how many times I’ve run away to start over – But I can. And it’s roughly 2.5 times.
Though maybe more like a hard 3 considering my flaking out of that Beach House job last summer was pretty… flaky.
I’m pro-ghoster, though that isn’t something I should be proud of…
Them .5’s are partial run-aways because while I ran from a job and/or place of living, I didn’t run from the people or responsibilities. I believe I’m entitled to flake outta the bullshit!
The other full scored times – I ditched it all. People. Places. Jobs. I was a full-blown runaway.
I read other blogs, I creep other bloggers social media feeds – They let you in on their life. Their beautiful, picture perfect lives.
I know there are anxiety trends and others of the like that basically promote REAL LIFE – A message that is of course necessary in a world of PERFECTION. Bloggers or social media celebs will let you in on their dark sides, their troubles – Ones that we all have, but somehow manage to feel alone in dealing with.
I’d love to be that blogger that lays her life out there for you to see – But maybe I’m too “different” in that I feel my anxieties and depressions are too intense for some people to be let in on. I have MEGA high highs, which of course come along with some wicked low lows.
The low lows being the times people flake outta my life, because wtf? You’re not supposed to be moody, you’re my entertainment!!
Them lows are when I’m at my flakiest, mostly because I’d rather not subject others to my lesser-than moments.
People expect me to be the happy one. The nice one. The one who basically does nothing but puts a smile on your face. ‘Cause that’s what I’m here for, right? You? Who can blame them for feeling/thinking this way, though?
It’s the roll I’ve always played.
As a people pleaser – Part of me believes that I am here for you, because even in my darkest of moments I’m able to pick myself back up on my own. I’m able to see the logic in my madness, and while it isn’t necessarily as easy as being all “Oop! I’m dumb!” – I take comfort in knowing that I understand what’s going on up in my brain. What’s going on up in yours – I know how to make others feel better. I know how to make others laugh.
I know how to do the same for myself. Because I’m an optimist. A naturally positive and optimistic being that just ENJOYS being happy.
I just know that happy is a way of life, and that it’s also the rainbow after the shit storm.
I’m good at sharing/giving out my positive vibes. Helping you see that without the rain you wouldn’t know how beautiful the sunshine is. There are quite a few of you who are greedy life-suckers, because no one taught you how to be responsible for your own happiness.
Because it’s the worlds fault that you feel the way you do, right?
I’ve come to the realisation that no matter where or how long I hide from things – It doesn’t change the fact that they’ve happened. That I did them. Felt them. Caused them.
I’ve done some shitty things. I’m human.
Truthfully though, when I reflect on the things that I’ve done, they aren’t all that bad considering the malicious state that our population is in. The amount of pricks and D-Bags out there is astonishing – It makes my heart hurt!
Don’t you tell me your momma didn’t teach you any manners!
And for those of you that wanna be all “WAH I HAD NO MOMMA!” – Even if you’re one of the unfortunate ones that didn’t have a parental figure in your life – Once you get to a certain age, you know the difference between right and wrong. You can’t use that shit as a crutch, you make your own decisions and you’re responsible for yourself.
And for the way you make others feel. The amount of wounded humans that are going around wounding others makes my head spin. If you’ve had such a hard life, you’ve felt like such shit – Why would you want to make another human hurt?
Why are some of you so maliciously selfish?
Since I can’t hit restart and live my life differently as to prevent some of my poorer decisions – I may as well embrace the shit that I’ve done, accomplished and built for myself. I may as well acknowledge that while I’ve had a fairly dark, rough trek through some periods of my life – I wouldn’t be as kick ass if I hadn’t experienced them.
I wouldn’t be this fun, happy lil’ B that I KNOW that I am.
Blah. Even telling you that I KNOW I’m a happy, fun lil’ B makes me cringe.
Self-love is easier said that done out loud…
Cheers to the final-blog-kick off that is my life.