Waiting for life to happen

Because life has gotta be more than working a 9-5.

I’m restricted to 10 holidays (Thanksgiving, Christmas, etc.) throughout the year and 10 vacation days that I may or may not use consecutively to do something fun.

And not everyone get’s those 10 vacation days.

Call me selfish, call me greedy – But that is not enough time to really experience life. Shit. My most valuable lessons thus far have come from spending months living outside of big-girl employment.

“Life is what happens when you are busy making other plans” – I didn’t have any plans other than to coast and wait for life to arrive.

What life? I dunno – But it’s one that is a level or two higher than where I’m at right now, and whatever it is comes with a human/thing-that-can-speak telling me what to do.

Like HELLO I’m life and I’ve arrived! You’re going to be a lawyer so here’s your books, good luck!

Where I would then study like a madman because THIS IS WHAT I’M SUPPOSED TO DO!

lol. A lawyer. As if.

During these years of coasting I’ve somehow managed to get my shit together. I’m nearly out of student debt – Something that seems IMPOSSIBLE considering the amount of time I’ve held onto this loan – I’m 5 months deep into building a home with my ginger – I was so caught up in waiting for IT to arrive to notice that me taking baby steps in the “adult” world was life.. happening. Beginning.

Sometimes I still think I’m waiting for life to happen. There’s no way I’m getting up every morning to go to work for the next 30+ years, right? Life is gonna happen, and shit will get real.

In the meantime, I’ll just waste my life living it. Because that’s all one can do, right?

 

 

 

 

 

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Because you probably wanna know who I am

Ok – Straight up, I’ve had a really hard time diving into this blog.

Mostly because as my first post states: I feel as though I’ve already said it before.

And then again and again after that.

But alas, for a flake like myself – Starting over seems to be the name of the game.

I almost told you that I can’t count how many times I’ve run away to start over – But I can. And it’s roughly 2.5 times.

Though maybe more like a hard 3 considering my flaking out of that Beach House job last summer was pretty… flaky.

I’m pro-ghoster, though that isn’t something I should be proud of…

Them .5’s are partial run-aways because while I ran from a job and/or place of living, I didn’t run from the people or responsibilities. I believe I’m entitled to flake outta the bullshit!

Within reason.

The other full scored times – I ditched it all. People. Places. Jobs. I was a full-blown runaway.

I read other blogs, I creep other bloggers social media feeds – They let you in on their life. Their beautiful, picture perfect lives.

I know there are anxiety trends and others of the like that basically promote REAL LIFE – A message that is of course necessary in a world of PERFECTION. Bloggers or social media celebs will let you in on their dark sides, their troubles – Ones that we all have, but somehow manage to feel alone in dealing with.

I’d love to be that blogger that lays her life out there for you to see – But maybe I’m too “different” in that I feel my anxieties and depressions are too intense for some people to be let in on. I have MEGA high highs, which of course come along with some wicked low lows.

The low lows being the times people flake outta my life, because wtf? You’re not supposed to be moody, you’re my entertainment!!

Them lows are when I’m at my flakiest, mostly because I’d rather not subject others to my lesser-than moments.

People expect me to be the happy one. The nice one. The one who basically does nothing but puts a smile on your face. ‘Cause that’s what I’m here for, right? You? Who can blame them for feeling/thinking this way, though?

It’s the roll I’ve always played.

As a people pleaser – Part of me believes that I am here for you, because even in my darkest of moments I’m able to pick myself back up on my own. I’m able to see the logic in my madness, and while it isn’t necessarily as easy as being all “Oop! I’m dumb!” – I take comfort in knowing that I understand what’s going on up in my brain. What’s going on up in yours – I know how to make others feel better. I know how to make others laugh.

I know how to do the same for myself. Because I’m an optimist. A naturally positive and optimistic being that just ENJOYS being happy.

I just know that happy is a way of life, and that it’s also the rainbow after the shit storm.

I’m good at sharing/giving out my positive vibes. Helping you see that without the rain you wouldn’t know how beautiful the sunshine is. There are quite a few of you who are greedy life-suckers, because no one taught you how to be responsible for your own happiness.

Because it’s the worlds fault that you feel the way you do, right?

I’ve come to the realisation that no matter where or how long I hide from things – It doesn’t change the fact that they’ve happened. That I did them. Felt them. Caused them.

I’ve done some shitty things. I’m human.

Truthfully though, when I reflect on the things that I’ve done, they aren’t all that bad considering the malicious state that our population is in. The amount of pricks and D-Bags out there is astonishing – It makes my heart hurt!

Don’t you tell me your momma didn’t teach you any manners!

And for those of you that wanna be all “WAH I HAD NO MOMMA!” – Even if you’re one of the unfortunate ones that didn’t have a parental figure in your life – Once you get to a certain age, you know the difference between right and wrong. You can’t use that shit as a crutch, you make your own decisions and you’re responsible for yourself.

And for the way you make others feel. The amount of wounded humans that are going around wounding others makes my head spin. If you’ve had such a hard life, you’ve felt like such shit – Why would you want to make another human hurt?

Why are some of you so maliciously selfish?

ANYWAYS.

 

Since I can’t hit restart and live my life differently as to prevent some of my poorer decisions – I may as well embrace the shit that I’ve done, accomplished and built for myself. I may as well acknowledge that while I’ve had a fairly dark, rough trek through some periods of my life – I wouldn’t be as kick ass if I hadn’t experienced them.

I wouldn’t be this fun, happy lil’ B that I KNOW that I am.

Blah. Even telling you that I KNOW I’m a happy, fun lil’ B makes me cringe.

Self-love is easier said that done out loud…

Cheers to the final-blog-kick off that is my life.

Because some Mondays are harder than others

I really didn’t wanna go to work today.

Fun Fact: Leaving for work this morning was the first time I’d left the house since I’d gotten home Friday afternoon.

WHATEVER, MAN.

NEW KITTIES!!

Two of the reasons I really didn’t want to leave this morning.

I didn’t want to leave my cozy home. My new kitties. My gingerbread man. I wanted to stay, to do something productive, appreciate the sunshine in my living room, and just enjoy the home I’m having so much fun putting together.

But alas, I have a 9-5. I have obligations. Responsibilities.

I have fucking bills.

The sadness in my throat and bubble in my chest didn’t go away for the first couple of hours of my day. A time where I thought of how I could manage not working for even just a couple of months.

If I save X amount of dollars, I could coast for Y amount of months.

It’s something I’d have easily talked myself into a couple of years ago – Because when I’m sinking, self sabotage is my natural reflex.

It’s easy to let mornings like this get to me. ‘Cause fuck having to work 5 out of 7 days a week for months, YEARS at a time. But this is the world we’ve created –  And until I’ve found some kind of life hack – I’ve gotta deal or I’m going to be starting over every year until I’m 90 years old.

Shit man, I’m nearly 30 and I’m on my 278972562 new beginning. If I leave this job to take a month or two hiatus – I’ve got to start yet again from the bottom of the totem pole, because the world keeps movin’ even when you don’t.

So while I may or may not have perused job opportunities this morning when I felt like my world was closing in – I also reminded myself that aside from the daily obligation of having to spend 8-9 hours away from home – Life is good. Life is really good –  I can’t flake out because I let anxiety trick me into feeling unhappy.

Life is weird. Life is balls. Life is good.

Life is beautiful.

There are so many FEELS. So many days.

Some mornings are just better than others, amirite?

Feasting Whale Sharks

The more I watch it, the most OMG I am about their mouths.

Horrifyingly beautiful.

And this is where life starts moving at warp speed.

And If I’m saying that now, I can’t imagine what it’ll feel like when/if the kidlets start poppin’.

I can’t say I’m living for the weekends, but having ENDLESS HOURS to hang out in our new home is just the bees freakin’ knees. Today was the first day since we moved in where there was SUNSHINE (lollipops), and it was so nice.

So many windows. So much light.

SO MUCH LOVE.

I’m gonna be plant queen.

As for the “living with a boy” situation – It’s different. I can’t say it’s wicked different ’cause we’d already spent so many days/nights together, but I had a moment while brushing my teeth the other night where OMG. I’ll never be rid of him…

Then he goes to a bachelor party out in them Southern Ontario mountains (lol) for a weekend, and yay! Bed to myself! NEW HOME to myself.

K – I missed him.

A lot.

I got some home stylin’ done though. Played with current items, envisioned new ones – Suddenly I’m able to find money to buy all of these fun homey things when I’ve been putting off buying something like PANTS (which I’ve needed for months) for months.

I’ve basically been rotating 3 pairs of pants and a pair of leggings for the last couple of months.

Priorities.

I’m torn by my feelings over this sudden change in priorities, because clothes. Accessories! AND OMG. BEAUTIFUL FUCKING DISHES!

Bowls! Vases. Dishes.

I’ve not bought any of these beautiful-fucking-dishes though, only planters and plants – and a couple of home essentials like a bath mat and a toothbrush holder.

Oh and it’s matching tumbler and garbage can.

I also got those lamps for light-less the living room…

Seriously. There’s a ginormous window and outlets only in here!

We had our first “argument”  when I told the ginj I wanted a coffee table to be our first ‘big’ ticketed item. He got all freaked out and told me we needed to be saving for retirement.

Retirement?

While I get that’s something I should probably be thinking about – Woah, bro…….. What about my couch?

One of the benefits of moving out later in life is the amount of years we’ve had to accumulate things for our move. It’s SO FUN having all of these new things, things I’d forgotten about, things I’ve had sitting in boxes for years!

Boxes that are still spread out across the three houses I’d been living in for the last 5 years… Boxes I still need to acquire in order to truly unpack.

Playing house is the most fun I’ve had since, like. Ever. The boy thing isn’t so bad itself, ’cause really? Every day feels like a Friday!

Roomies. Besties. Lovers. It’s all good up in this neighborhood!